3 Rules of a Queen:
I had a female client in her mid 40’s earlier this year. She initially came to me to receive help with her teenage daughter, who was having some self-harm and self-sabotaging behaviors.
“Help me fix my teenager!”
When I hear this, I know it’s just the top of the iceberg, and the entire underside probably has a lot to do with the parent(s). But, I play along.
“I’m really happy that you came to see me today. I know it can be scary to come to a place you don’t know and talk to a stranger. I understand that ______ is seeing your daughter. ________ is a fantastic counselor and will be a great advocate for her. I would like to advocate for you….”
We go over informed consent, limits of confidentiality, etc. You know, all the basic stuff. I like to get ‘housekeeping’ out of the way early because it seems so impersonal, and most of my clients come to the office in a bit of a crisis.
Over the next few sessions we examined her (the mom’s) family history, her childhood, etc. Soon, the focus of our sessions shifted into helping the mom feel more empowered so that she could be a mentor/guide/example for her daughter.
One of the main complaints (besides the turmoil the daughter was experiencing) the mom had was with her boyfriend. She felt that he didn’t listen to her feelings or concerns, that he didn’t make time for her, and belittled her often.
I remember the session that gave her an “aha!” moment. I asked her,
“If I had a magic wand that would grant you the wish of your perfect man, how would he treat you?”
Without hesitation, she said,
“Like a Queen.”
Over the next few sessions, we established what being a Queen, for her, would look like, and formulated a plan based on a set of rules she came up with, titled ‘Rules to be a Queen’. I think she was incredibly intuitive, and wanted to share those rules here:
A Queen knows she is the Queen:
A Queen knows who she is and expects others to treat her with respect, dignity and courtesy. She does not tolerate people who try to take her throne, misuse her time, or take advantage of her.
A Queen is just and kind:
Just as she demands respect, she is kind to all people. She speaks the truth in love, and is just. She keeps her composure.
The last one made me want to give her a standing ovation!
A Queen knows the difference between a King and a Joker:
A queen doesn’t waste her time or attention on a joker. She can see when a man is a King because of how he treats her. She treats the king with respect.
Closing thought: know your worth, and write it down. Set up boundaries for how you will allow others to treat you. Know who you are and who you are not, and you will start to see others treat you differently.